i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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