When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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