I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
