she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
