Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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