You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
