i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
