WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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