Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
