do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
