I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
