Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
