yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize