my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
