She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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