i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You are a genius and a whore.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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