Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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