You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
