hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I smell like Dick and happiness
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
