i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
