Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
