is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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