I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
