Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
