Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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