Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
