I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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