I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
