I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
