you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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