the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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