Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
