billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
