So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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