Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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