His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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