it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
