I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
