yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
