OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
