so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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