She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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