turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
