my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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