Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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