When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
