There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have aggressive nipples.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
