I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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