I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
How's work?
Spinning.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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