Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
