Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
