after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
