Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
