When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
