Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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