When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
