I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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