Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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